


Something bigger

by trinipedia



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Episode Related, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M, Making Up, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29228154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trinipedia/pseuds/trinipedia
Summary: What had happened?Eddie still wasn't able to understand it.It all had been so fast, faster than that first earthquake, faster than the tsunami, faster even than the despair that had filled him with dread when he had discovered that the son he had been waiting for months (his whole life, it seemed) was going to suffer from a permanent condition that would have impaired him forever. Faster even than the moment in which his whole team was shot down from the sky.One moment, he had a support system in place, a person always by his side who had his back through thick and thin and loved his son as if he was his own, and the next...the next he was alone, lost and still trying to wrap his mind around why.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 58





	Something bigger

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, this is my first attempt at this pairing and this fandom. I haven't been writing since...I can't even remember to be honest, and this is the first 'thing' I managed to commit to paper. It came out all on its own, so. I just hope you all like it! The idea comes from a song titled "Qualcosa di grande" by Lunapop, and the dialogue comes straight from the Halloween episode of season 3, so if you see something you recognize, I probably didn't write it.

What had happened?

Eddie still wasn't able to understand it.

It all had been so fast, faster than that first earthquake, faster than the tsunami, faster even than the despair that had filled him with dread when he had discovered that the son he had been waiting for months (his whole life, it seemed) was going to suffer from a permanent condition that would have impaired him forever. Faster even than the moment in which his whole team was shot down from the sky.

One moment, he had a support system in place, a person always by his side who had his back through thick and thin and loved his son as if he was his own, and the next...the next he was alone, lost and still trying to wrap his mind around why.

The how was the only clear part of it all: Buck, his partner, his best friend, his secret wish every time he saw a falling star or blew on a candle, his rock, his better half, had sued the City. The Department. The Captain. And in doing so, had separated himself from Eddie, from Christopher, from the life they were starting to build together.

He had told every single secret or weakness any of them had ever shared with him, out of unspeakable trust, and twisted it all into something ugly and bitter, something Eddie felt ashamed of, and that, right there, wasn't fair.  
It wasn't his fault if his feelings had made him weak. Fuck Buck for making him realize that.

But maybe, just maybe, things were not as black and white as they seemed.  
Maybe Buck had been scared, on a deeper level, not only of losing his job but of losing himself. Maybe he didn't just put distance between himself and the life he had been living up to that point; maybe he had run away.

It felt like he was trying to burn bridges he might have had to cross again in a future, near or far was impossible to determine. But still, the truth was that those bridges had been burned and Buck had tried to keep on living as if they had never existed, to begin with. And not even him, with his innocence and naivety, could have been oblivious enough to actually believe that.

And it had hurt, meeting him again after Eddie had gotten the news. It had hurt to talk to him, look in those stormy, restless eyes of his, those bottomless pits he had drowned in more than once even before realizing what it meant and see someone else. A different man, ready to throw it all away to run after a fever dream he didn't even fully understand the impact of.

Despite it all, though, Eddie refused to believe that under all that bravado, that righteous anger, the guy he had met and welcomed in his life was not screaming and kicking to be left out again.  
He refused to believe he had lost Buck before he had even the chance of having him.  
They had grown together, dammit, their friendship had turned him from boy to man in a way that not even becoming a father, or the horrors of war, had been able to.

The worst of it, after all was said and done, was that when Buck had made his decision and ran away, he had taken Eddie's life with him.  
Oh, he still had Christopher, his Abuela, his team at the 118. He still had a life, for all intents and purposes, but what he had lost when he had lost Buck was everything he had been dreaming that life could be. The best side of it, loving arms to hold him up when it all became too much to bear, a hand tight around his to face any hardship, a wide back to shield Christopher from a world that was not ready for a kid as special as him.

He had been robbed of the future, and that was something he couldn't have fathomed. Especially because, if he had admitted that Buck's decision had destroyed everything he had been dreaming of and that he couldn't dream any longer, it would have meant admitting that he couldn't have that life, those dreams, that happiness, without him. That Eddie wasn't an entity any longer, cursed to being eternally incomplete, and that was something he wasn't ready for, he would never be ready for. 

How could he have been? He had been alone, self-sufficient, since he could remember. He couldn't let a single man get in the way of that. Even if that man could have potentially represented said future.

When things had progressed, and the meetings that had followed had become more bitter, more painful, and almost too much to bear for all parts involved, Eddie could see that it was all taking its toll on Buck.  
His eyes weren't stormy anymore, but murky and haunted. Buck had realized he had gone too far, stooped too low, and was maybe never going to be able to come back up. Eddie wasn't sure if it had been because he had no more strength to try, or if he had simply given up. Either way, where he could have extended an olive branch, he had turned his back instead. One time too many.

And he had been one lucky motherfucker, if after surviving almost unscathed an accident like the one of the fire truck, not suffering any long term consequences of the blood cloth and being reinstated, he had managed to be forgiven by the 118 team.

"He's family" Hen had said.  
"And families forgive, no matter how badly you fucked up."

She was most definitely not talking bout Eddie's family, that much was certain, but he hadn't felt like discussing it with her.  
There was only one person who knew about his situation, his doubts, his fears, and insecurities when it came to ties, and that one person had almost destroyed the family Eddie had been fighting tooth and nail to build.

Oh, he was not going to forgive that easy, no matter how much his heart screamed every time he glanced at Buck. No matter how much he could feel the red string of destiny pulling them together, one towards the other.

He had to be strong, for Christopher, surely, who had suffered greatly for Buck's selfish pride, but most of all for himself, who wasn't as strong as his son.

"So that's how it's gonna be now, uh? You're just gonna keep on ghosting me? 'Cause Halloween is over, just so you know"

Eddie almost jumped when Buck's voice reached him. He had been so lost in thought that he hadn't realized the guy was talking to him.  
His back went stiff, and he turned slowly.  
He had to avoid looking him in the eyes, or all his strength would have evaporated.

"I don't know what you want from me, Buck" he replied, as cold and distant as he could manage.  
"Forgive, forget, make you feel better about what you did?"

Forgive that he had thought about himself instead of Eddie and that beautiful boy that loved him as Buck belonged to him and felt lost and betrayed without him in his life?  
Forget how lost and betrayed he had made Eddie feel?

"I just want you to talk to me." Buck's laughter sounded almost...wet.  
"Even if it's just to say that you're still mad."

How could Eddie make him feel better? He deserved to suffer as much as he did, maybe more.  
But at the same time...how could he let Buck suffer, knowing he could fix it all with a single word?  
Besides, Buck had gotten it all wrong. As usual.

"I'm not mad, I'm..."  
Eddie sighed.

"When you decided to sue the department, to make Cap the bad guy, did you ever stop for a minute to think what that could do to us?"

The words were out before Eddie could really analyze them, and he realized they were the wrong ones when he saw Buck's eyes widen. Oh God, what had he said exactly? He wasn't sure.  
Buck opened and closed his mouth, apparently at a loss for words.  
Us. Eddie had said 'us'.

"Look, I just needed my job back" he almost stuttered.  
"I missed... I missed being here."  
With you, his eyes were saying. And now Eddie was staring, and couldn't look away. Fuck.  
And Buck was still talking.

"...I never meant for anyone to get hurt."

"Lotta "I" s in there. Your actions, your choices, they impact the rest of us. That's what it means to be a part of a team" Eddie retorted, trying to find strength in anger, but it was hard. Buck's face was a mask of pain and regret, and he knew he wasn't going to be able to keep up his walls much longer. He had to try to make him understand, though, because if he gave Buck another chance and he...  
Eddie wasn't going to survive another hit.

Buck swallowed audibly and lowered his gaze.  
Eddie instantly missed it, feeling cold all of a sudden.

"You're right." It had been almost a whisper.

"I didn't think about what could happen. I was mad at Bobby for not letting me back."  
Buck took an uncertain step forward, even extended a hand towards him, but stopped before actually making contact. Eddie resented him a little, for that, feeling robbed once more.

"I was mad at you for moving on without me, but most of all I was mad that there was nothing I could do about it."  
His fists were so tight that his knuckles had gone white, and Eddie blinked.  
Moving on? What the hell?  
He wanted to ask, to understand, to reassure, but Buck went on.

"And I just... I just wanted to..."  
Oh, Eddie knew that feeling pretty well.

"Punch someone?"

Buck's gaze snapped up, back on his face.  
Surprised, maybe relieved by the way Eddie got it him straight away, but come on, since when it was a surprise how well they understood each other?  
He snorted.  
"Yeah, a little."

This time, Buck didn't stop until he was a couple of steps from Eddie.

"I really am sorry. Whatever it takes for you to forgive me-"  
His expression was earnest, open, honest and so incredibly tender and sad that Eddie knew at that moment that he had lost.

"I forgive you" Eddie interrupted him. "Also what it means to be part of a team" he added, because he still had to protect himself somehow, he couldn't just throw his heart at Buck's feet and hope for the best. Been there, done that, got the scar.

But Buck's eyes lighted up, and a shy smile blossomed on his handsome face.  
"This..." his voice cracked and trembled, and Eddie wasn't sure he was ready to hear what he was going to say, so he interrupted him once more.

"Just don't do it again."  
And it was supposed to come out as a joke, maybe even a jab, but to his own ears it sounded pleading and hurt, and really, there was no point in being stoic anymore.  
One of them, or both, initiated the hug, and without really know how they got there they were lost in each other, pressed tightly together, inhaling the familiar scent of smoke, cheap soap, and residual sweat they knew so well.

Eddie had missed it so much he thought he was going to cry, but the Captain clearing his throat stopped him just in time.

"Listen, Buck, I've been thinking. Why don't you go home?"

Buck took a step back, away from the warm comfort of Eddie's arms, which fell, empty, down his sides.  
He blinked.

"Home?" he repeated, confused. "I still have a couple hours left on my shift."

Bobby threw a glance at him, then at Eddie, and arched an eyebrow.

"I don't wanna overtax you your first week back" he added, vaguely.  
"You earned a few hours off. Good work today."  
And with that he left them, shaking his head, muttering something to himself.

Buck turned hesitant towards Eddie, with the expression of someone who was going to ask something that was way too soon to ask, so Eddie shrugged.

"You heard the boss. Go home, relax, be here bright and early in the morning. Some of us really have a couple of hours left on our shift and can't do the same. I'll see you tomorrow."  
He really hoped the message came across as he intended it.

They were okay, but they couldn't just pick it up where they had left off. Buck had some serious groveling to do.

Buck stood there for a moment, as if he was debating a protest, a comeback, anything at all, but in the end, he shrugged as well.  
"Guess you're right. Again. I'll see you tomorrow, then."

Eddie offered him a smile, smaller than the beaming one usually reserved for him, but it was genuine. And it was a start.

No matter what, there was something bigger between them, bigger than either of them could have anticipated or even understood. Something too big to ignore or change, too big to just forget it because of a storm. Or an earthquake. Or a tsunami. Or a fucking lawsuit.  
Bigger than their ego, or their fears.  
Bigger than any attempt to stop it, and really, neither of them had ever in fact stood a chance.


End file.
